Everyone's a Little Bit Hetalian
by waterunderthecatwalk
Summary: Gilbert Beilschmidt just finished four years of college so now he's off to find his purpose in life, but it's a mystery to him. He's gonna need help from the residents of Avenue Q. (Rated M for a certain song.)


**A/N: I love Avenue Q and Hetalia, so I thought, why not put the two together? So I did.**

**Note: Some characters may be a bit OOC. I apologize. I was trying more to fit the Hetalians to the Avenue Q characters, not the other way around.  
**

**Cast so far:  
**

**Princeton: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
**

**Kate Monster: Maria (fem!Austria)  
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**Brian: Feliciano Vargas  
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**Christmas Eve: Sakura Honda (fem!Japan. Most OOC character.)  
**

**Rod: Arthur Kirkland  
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**Nicky: Alfred F. Jones  
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**Gary Coleman: Ludwig Beilschmidt  
**

**(Just wait until you find out who Lucy T. Slut is.)  
**

* * *

Gilbert sat on the steps to an apartment complex. He had just graduated from NYU, getting his bachelor's in English, but he was behind on rent and got kicked out of his apartment. So here he was, failing at finding a new home, when he heard movement behind him.

"Morning Feliciano!" a cheery voice called.

"Hi Maria." a forlorn one replied.

"How's life?" the girl called Maria asked.

"Disappointing." Feliciano responded. Gilbert could relate very well.

"Whats a matter?" Maria asked.

"The catering company laid me off."

"Aw, I'm sorry."

"Me too!" the man responded, "I mean look at me! I'm ten years out of college and I always thought-" he caught himself as if he was about to say too much.

"What?"

"Naw it sounds stupid." Feliciano muttered.

"Oh, come on!" Maria goaded.

"Well..." Feliciano began, "When I was little, I thought I would be a comedian on tv, like SNL or something. But now I'm 32 and as you can see, I'm not."

"Nope." Maria agreed.

"Oh well," Feliciano sighed, "It sucks to me be!"

"Oh my life is way worse than yours." Maria assured him.

"You think so?"

"Yep." Maria responded, "I'm sort of pretty, and really smart." She began listing things on her fingers, "I like music and art, romantic stuff, and I have a huge heart. So why don't I have a boyfriend?" Gilbert turned and saw the pretty, smart brunette with a big heart cross her arms and stamp her foot. "Fuck!" she gnashed her teeth. "It sucks to be me."

"Me too!" Feliciano, a skinny man with bright red hair insisted, "It sucks to be Feliciano!"

"And Kate."

"To not have a job."

"Or a date."

"It sucks to be us." The girl giggled. Gilbert sighed and turned back to wallowing in his depression, as two men approached the apartment builder arguing. He could only catch snippets of their conversation.

"I'll come home when I want and you're not my mother, Arthur!"

"I'm not trying to be your mother!"

The man called Arthur wrinkled his thick eyebrows together to yell at the other man. Both were blonde, but the second man had glasses and a cowlick. Before Arthur could say anything more however, Feliciano called them over.

"Hey, Alfred, Arthur, do you have a sec?"

"Certainly." Arthur said in a British accent. He glared at Alfred, daring him to argue. Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Whose life sucks more, Feliciano's or mine?" Maria asked the two. Arthur and Alfred looked at each other and laughed.

"Ours!" they said together.

"We live together-" Arthur began.

"We're closest people can get." Alfred slung an arm around Arthur's shoulders, and Arthur pushed it off.

"We've been best friends since we met." He said, his teeth gritted in annoyance. "But he knows tons of ways to piss me off."

"What?" Alfred exclaimed.

"Everyday is a pain in the ass."  
"Come on, you're exaggerating!"

"You leave your clothes out!" Arthur pointed an accusatory finger at Alfred, "and your put your feet on my chair!" Alfred looked flabbergasted.

"Oh yeah?" he prepared a come back, "Well you do anal things like… ironing your underwear!" Feliciano and Maria laughed. Arthur gasped, his cheeks pink.

"You make our apartment a hell!" he argued.

"So do you!" Alfred crossed his arms and spun around, "It sucks to be me."

Gilbert by now had gotten up to ask the four a question, but a young Asian woman had bustled out of the apartment. She approached Feliciano and Maria. "Why you all so happy?" she asked in a strong accent.

"Cause our lives suck." Alfred turned and told her, grinning. The woman's eyebrows rose.

"Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly? Hah!" she crossed her arms and said almost smugly, "I come into this country for opportunity. Try to work in Korean deli… but I am Japanese. But with hard work, I earn two Master's Degrees in social work! And now I a therapist! But I have no clients. And I have an  
Unemployed fiancé'!" she turned on Feliciano and smacked his shoulders with each word, "And we have lots," smack, "of" smack, "bills," smack, "to pay!" smack, smack.

Gilbert decided to intervene now before something happened to this Feliciano person. The poor guy was cowering behind Maria as the Japanese lady walked towards him menacingly.

"Excuse me?" he came up behind her and her arm dropped instantly. She turned and smiled at him innocently, "I'm looking for a place to live." He said, hoping they'd help him.

"Why you looking all the way out here?" the woman asked, a frown on her face.

"Well I started in Avenue A, but it was too expensive." He rambled on, "But this neighborhood looks cheap enough." He noticed a large sign on one of the apartments, "And look there's an apartment for rent!" why hadn't he seen that before?

"You need to talk to the super." Feliciano told him, "Lemme get him."

"Great, thanks…"

"YO, LUDWIG!" Feliciano cupped his hands and yelled at an apartment at the end of the complex.

"I'm coming." A gruff voice yelled back.

Gilbert gasped at the familiar voice, a man from years ago. A guy with slicked back blonde hair and sharp blue eyes emerged from the apartment.

"Oh my God." Gilbert gasped, "You're Ludwig Beilschmidt." He was officially having the weirdest day of his life. Now here in front of him was his childhood hero. Everyone grew up watching Ludwig Beilschmidt on the tv show, German Strokes. Everyone knew about the fortune he had made for himself, but that his parents all stole.

"I'm the butt of everyone's jokes now." Ludwig grumbled. Feliciano patted his shoulder affectionately.

"It sucks to be you." Feliciano said routinely. Gilbert on the other hand stood there awe-struck. He never knew why he had felt so drawn to the child star. Maybe it was their shared last name.

"You win." Maria muttered, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Ludwig walked over to Gilbert holding a set of keys, "Here's the keys." He said grinning. Gilbert took them gratefully. Maria walked over to him smiling.

"Welcome to Avenue Q!" she said.


End file.
